The Wooden Bowl (story)

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and a four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together nightly at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass often milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 

"We must do something about grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at the dinner table. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. Sometimes when the family glanced in grandfather's direction, he had a tear in his eye as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child's future. 

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Full Moon

Supermoon of Year 2012

This year's May 5, 2012. Saturday's event is a "supermoon," the closest and therefore the biggest and brightest full moon of the year. The Supermoon appears up to 14% larger and 30% brighter than at other times.  The full moon rises behind the Temple of Poseidon in Cape Sounion, south east of Athens, Greece. The moon rises behind the University Auditorium at the University of Florida as seen from Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in Gainesville Fla., on May 5, 2012. A 'super moon' rises above a egret nesting area on the west side of Wichita, Kansas USA. The moon rises next to the Century Tower at the University of Florida as seen from Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in Gainesville, Florida, USA. The full moon rises behind the Temple of Poseidon in Cape Sounion, south east of Athens, Greece.

Doctor and Patient

Doctor and Backache Patients (joke)

Shading"/> One morning a patient arrives complaining of serious Backache. The doctor examines him and asks him, "What did you do to your back?" The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night club? Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back. The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What happened to you? The 2nd patient replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now Doctor? Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. The 3rd patient arrives, he looks even worse than then the other two patients did. The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What happened to you?" The 3rd patient replied, "Well, I was hiding in a fridge..".

Story Time: The Hare & The Tortoise – A new management approach

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Part 1

Long time ago, there was a tortoise and a hare who had an argument about who the faster runner was. They finally decided to take on one another on a race.

As the race started, the hare sprinted ahead briskly for some time. Realizing that it will take some time for the tortoise to catch up with him, he decided to seek shelter from the sun under a tree before continuing the race. As he sat under the tree, he gradually fell asleep. The tortoise, crawling at a steady pace, eventually overtook him and won the race. The hare woke up and realized that his complacency cost him the trophy.

Moral: The determined, hardworking and steady paced people will eventually overtake the fast but complacent. We are all familiar with this story.

Part 2

The hare realized that he was over confident, complacent and took things too easily. He decided to have a re-match with the tortoise. The tortoise accepted his challenge.

This time, the hare ran with all his might and didn’t stop until he crossed the finish line.

Moral: Fast and consistent will always beat the slow and steady.

But the story doesn’t end here.

 Part 3

This time, it was the tortoise that did the soul searching and he realized that if the hare didn’t stop, there is no way he will beat him. He thought hard and decided on a different course and he challenged the hare to another re-match. The hare, of course, agreed.

With the lessons learnt from his previous failure in mind, the hare kept on running once the race started and didn’t stop until the route leads him to the bank of a river. He was taken by surprise and he did not know what to do, since he could not swim. There were no bridges in sight and no one to ask for directions. As he was cracking his head, thinking of ways to cross the river, the tortoise strolled slowly along, dived into the river, swam across it and ultimately, finished the race before the hare.

Moral: Know your strengths and take on your competitors in areas of your core competency.

The story still hasn’t ended.

Part 4

With the hare and the tortoise spending so much time together racing, they have become rather good friends, they have also developed mutual respect for one another as they realized that they are both different and they have different strengths. They decided to race again, but this time, as a team.

As the race started, the hare carried the tortoise and they sped to the river bank. There, they switched positions and the tortoise ferried the hare across the river. On the opposite bank, the hare again carried the tortoise and they crossed the finishing line together. They completed the race in a record time that both of them can never achieve if they were to do it alone. They also felt a greater sense of satisfaction than they’d felt earlier.

Moral: It’s good to be individually brilliant and to have strong core competencies but unless you’re able to work in a team and harness each other’s core competencies, you’ll always perform below par because there will always be situations at which you’ll do poorly and someone else does well.

Note that neither the hare nor the tortoise gave up after failures. The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his failure. The tortoise changed his strategy because he was already working as hard as he could, but was not doing as well as he wished.

Imagine how long it will take the hare to learn how to swim! Or for the tortoise to learn to run fast. In this day and age when the environment changes at lightning speed, we have to learn to work with people who have strengths in areas that we do not have.

It is the same in business, if we can collaborate with people who are experts in areas that we are not familiar with, we will realize that our market suddenly becomes bigger. Maybe that is what globalization is after all.

ભગવાન તરફ થી મળતી ભેટ

ભણવામાં ખૂબ જ હોંશિયાર એવો અતિશ્રીમંત ઘરનો એક નવયુવક કૉલેજના અંતિમ વરસની પરીક્ષાની તૈયારી કરી રહ્યો હતો. એના પિતા એ વિસ્તારના સૌથી ધનવાન અને પ્રતિષ્ઠિત ઉદ્યોગપતિ હતા. છોકરો પણ ભણવામાં ખૂબ તેજસ્વી હતો.

એક દિવસ જમવાના ટેબલ પર થતી વાતચીત દરમિયાન એના પિતાએ પૂછયું કે પરીક્ષાની તૈયારીઓ કેવી ચાલે છે ? એના જવાબમાં દીકરાએ જવાબ આપ્યો કે ખૂબ જ સરસ અને કદાચ યુનિવર્સિટીમાં પ્રથમ નંબર આવી જાય તો પણ નવાઈ નહીં. બાપ આ સાંભળીને ખૂબ ખુશ થયો. થોડી વાર પછી એ યુવકે ફરી પૂછ્યું કે, ‘પિતાજી, જો મારો પ્રથમ નંબર આવે તો ફલાણા શૉરૂમમાં રાખવામાં આવેલી હોન્ડાની નવી સ્પોર્ટસ કાર મને ભેટમાં આપશો ખરા ?’

બાપે હા પાડી. એના માટે તો આવી કારની ખરીદી એ રમતવાત હતી. પેલો યુવક ખૂબ રાજી થઈ ગયો. એ કાર ખરેખર તો એના માટે ડ્રીમ કાર હતી. એનો વાંચવાનો ઉત્સાહ અનેક ગણો વધી ગયો. મહેનતુ અને હોશિયાર તો એ હતો જ. એ ઉપરાંત એણે સાચા અર્થમાં તનતોડ મહેનત શરૂ કરી દીધી. રોજ કૉલેજથી આવતાં જતાં એ પેલા શૉ-રૂમ પાસે ઊભો રહી હોન્ડા-સ્પૉર્ટસ-કારને બે ક્ષણ જોઈ લેતો. થોડા દિવસો પછી જ આ કારના સ્ટિયરિંગ પર પોતાની આંગળીઓ ફરતી હશે એ વિચારમાત્ર એને રોમાંચિત કરી દેતો. એણે આ અંગે પોતાના મિત્રોને પણ વાત કરી રાખી હતી.

ધારણા પ્રમાણે જ એની પરીક્ષા ખૂબ જ સરસ રહી. યુનિવર્સિટીમાં એ પ્રથમ આવ્યો છે એવી જાણ થતાં જ એણે કૉલેજ પરથી પોતાના પિતાને ફોન કરી દીધો. પોતાની ભેટની વાત પણ યાદ કરાવી દીધી. પછી એ ઘરે જવા નીકળ્યો. જેમ જેમ ઘર નજીક આવતું ગયું તેમ તેમ એના ધબકારા વધવા લાગ્યા. પોતાના આંગણામાં ગોઠવાયેલી સ્પૉર્ટસ કાર કેવી સરસ લાગતી હશે એની કલ્પના કરતો એ ઘરે પહોંચ્યો. કમ્પાઉન્ડનો દરવાજો ખોલીને આંગણામાં એણે નજર નાખી, પણ પેલી કાર ક્યાંય દેખાઈ નહીં. એ થોડોક નિરાશ અને ઉદાસ થઈ ગયો. કદાચ કારની ડિલિવરી પછી લેવાની હશે તેમ વિચારીને એ ઘરમાં દાખલ થયો. નોકરે એને આવીને કહ્યું કે શેઠ સાહેબ એમના રૂમમાં એના આવવાની રાહ જુએ છે. દોડતો એ પિતાજીના રૂમમાં પહોંચ્યો. એના પિતાજી જાણે એના આવવાની રાહ જ જોઈ રહ્યા હોય તેવું લાગ્યું. એના આવતાં જ એમણે ઊભા થઈ એ યુવકને ગળે વળગાડ્યો. અમીર બાપનો દીકરો હોવા છતાં બાપના પૈસે તાગડધિન્ના કરવાને બદલે દિલ દઈને ભણવાવાળા દીકરા માટે એમને કેટલું બધું ગૌરવ છે એવું પણ કહ્યું. પછી સુંદર કાગળમાં વીંટાળેલું એક નાનકડું બૉક્સ એને આપીને કહ્યું ; ‘દીકરા, આમ જ આગળ વધતો રહે એવા મારા આશીર્વાદ છે. આ લે તારા માટે મારા તરફથી ઉત્તમ ભેટ !’ એટલું કહી બૉક્સ દીકરાના હાથમાં આપી તેઓ પોતાના કામે જવા નીકળી ગયા.

પિતાના ગયા પછી દીકરાએ બૉક્સ ખોલ્યું. જોયું તો એમાં પાકા પૂઠાંવાળું સોનેરી અક્ષરોથી લખાયેલું બાઈબલ હતું. બાઈબલ બંને હાથમાં પકડીને એ થોડી વાર એની સામે જોઈ રહ્યો. એને અત્યંત ગુસ્સો આવ્યો. બાઈબલ એમ જ ટેબલ પર મૂકીને એ વિચારમાં પડી ગયો. ઘરમાં અઢળક પૈસો હોવા છતાં પોતાની એક જ માગણી પૂરી કરવામાં બાપનો જીવ ન ચાલ્યો એ વાત એને હાડોહાડ કોરી ખાતી હતી. સ્પોર્ટસ કાર અપાવવાની હા પાડ્યા પછી પણ પિતાનો જીવ ન ચાલ્યો એનું એને ખૂબ જ લાગી આવ્યું. એ પોતે પણ સ્વમાની હતો. એટલે બીજી વખત પિતા પાસે માગવાનો કે એમને યાદ અપાવવાનો તો સવાલ જ નહોતો પેદા થતો. ઘણો વખત વિચાર કર્યા પછી એણે કાગળ લીધો. એમાં ટૂકમાં એટલું જ લખ્યું કે, ‘પૂજ્ય પિતાજી, સ્પૉર્ટસ કારને બદલે બાઈબલ આપવામાં આપનો કોઈ શુભ ઈરાદો જ હશે એમ માનું છું. પણ મારે સ્પૉર્ટસકાર જોઈતી હતી. હું ઘરેથી જાઉં છું. ક્યાં જાઉં છું તે નહીં કહું. જ્યારે તમારી સમકક્ષ પૈસાદાર બની જઈશ ત્યારે જ હવે તમને મોં બતાવીશ. એ જ… પ્રણામ.’

ચિઠ્ઠી બાઈબલના બૉક્સ પર મૂકી એ ઘરેથી નીકળી ગયો. નોકરોએ એને પાછો વાળવાની અને ક્યાં જઈ રહ્યો છે એ જાણવાની ખૂબ કોશિશ કરી જોઈ, પરંતુ વ્યર્થ ! કોઈને કંઈ પણ કહ્યા વિના એ જતો રહ્યો.

વરસો વીતી ગયાં. યુવકનાં નસીબ ખૂબ સારાં હતાં. મહેનતુ અને હોશિયાર તો એ હતો જ એટલે એણે જે બિઝનેસ શરૂ કર્યો તેમાં તેને અણધારી સફળતા મળી અને એ અતિશ્રીમંત બની ગયો. સુંદર મજાનું ઘર બનાવી એણે લગ્ન પણ કરી લીધાં. વચ્ચે વચ્ચે એને પોતાના પ્રેમાળ પિતા યાદ આવી જતા. પરંતુ એ પ્રેમાળ ચહેરા પાછળ રહેલો કંજૂસ માણસનો ચહેરો એને તરત જ દેખાતો. માતાના મૃત્યુ પછી પોતે આટલા વરસમાં એક સ્પોર્ટસ-કાર જ માગી અને અઢળક પૈસો હોવા છતાં એના પિતાએ કારને બદલે સુફિયાણી ફિલૉસૉફી ઝાડવા ફકત બાઈબલ જ આપ્યું, એ યાદ આવતાં જ એનું મન કડવાશથી ભરાઈ જતું. 

પરંતુ એક દિવસ વહેલી સવારથી જ ન જાણે કેમ એને એના પિતાની યાદ ખૂબ જ આવતી હતી. હવે તો એ ઘણા વૃદ્ધ પણ થઈ ગયા હશે. કંઈ નહીં તો એમની સાથે વાત તો કરવી જ જોઈએ. વૃદ્ધ માણસોને સંતાનોના અવાજથી પણ શાતા વળતી હોય છે. પિતા સાથે ફોન પર વાત કરવાની એને અતિતીવ્ર ઈચ્છા થઈ આવી. આમેય સમયની સાથે દરેક ગુસ્સાનું કારણ નાનું થતું જાય છે અને એકાદ દિવસ એવો પણ આવે કે માણસને એમ થાય કે, ‘અરે ! આવા નાના અને વાહિયાત કારણ માટે આપણે આટલા બધા ગુસ્સે થયા હતા ?!’ આવું જ કંઈક એ યુવાનની સાથે બની રહ્યું હતું. એણે ફોન લઈ પોતાના ઘરનો નંબર ઘુમાવ્યો. સામા છેડે જ્યારે કોઈએ ફોન ઊંચક્યો ત્યારે તો એના ધબકારા ખૂબ વધી ગયા હતા. પિતાજી સાથે પોતે કઈ રીતે વાત કરી શકશે એની અવઢવ સાથે એણે ‘હેલો !’ કહ્યું. પણ એને નિરાશા સાંપડી. સામા છેડે એના પિતાજી નહોતા પણ ઘરનો નોકર હતો.

નોકરે કહ્યું કે : ‘શેઠ સાહેબ તો અઠવાડિયા પહેલાં અવસાન પામ્યા. તમે પોતાનું સરનામું જણાવેલ નહીં એટલે તમને જાણ શી રીતે કરી શકાય ? પણ મરતાં સુધી તમને યાદ કરીને રડતા હતા. એમણે કહેલું કે તમારો ફોન ક્યારેય પણ આવે તો તમને બધો કારોબાર સંભાળવા બોલાવી લેવા. એટલે તમે આવી જાવ !’ પેલા યુવક પર તો જાણે વજ્રઘાત થયો. પોતાના પિતાને એમની છેલ્લી ક્ષણોમાં પણ મળી ન શકાયું એ વાતની વેદનાએ એના હૈયાને વલોવી નાખ્યું. પણ હવે શું થાય ? પોતાના ઘરે પાછા જવાની ઈચ્છા સાથે એણે સહકુટુંબ વતન તરફ પ્રયાણ કર્યું.

ઘરે આવીને સીધો જ એ પોતાના પિતાના રૂમમાં ગયો. એમની છબી સામે ઊભા રહેતાં જ એની આંખો વરસી પડી. થોડી વાર આંખો બંધ કરીને એ એમ જ ઊભો રહ્યો. પછી પોતાના રૂમમાં આવ્યો. એની બધી જ વસ્તુઓ બરાબર અને વ્યવસ્થિત રીતે ગોઠવાયેલી હતી. પિતાજી ચોખ્ખાઈ અને સુઘડતાના ખૂબ જ આગ્રહી હતા, એ બરાબર દેખાઈ આવતું હતું. એવામાં એની નજર પોતાના ટેબલ પર પડેલ સોનેરી અક્ષરવાળા બાઈબલ પર પડી, આ એ જ બાઈબલ હતું જેના કારણે એણે ઘર છોડ્યું હતું. એના મનમાંથી પિતાજી માટેની બધી જ કડવાશ ગાયબ થઈ ગઈ હતી. એણે બાઈબલ હાથમાં લઈ ખોલ્યું. પ્રથમ પાના પર જ એના પિતાએ લખ્યું હતું:

‘હે ભગવાન ! મારા દીકરા જેવા ઉત્તમ સંતાનને ભેટ કઈ રીતે આપવી તે તું મને શિખવાડજે. એણે માગેલ વસ્તુઓ સાથે એને ઉત્તમ સંસ્કારોનો વારસો પણ આપી શકું એવું કરજે.’

એ યુવકને આજે પોતાના પિતાએ લખેલ આ શબ્દો બાઈબલના શબ્દો જેટલા જ મહાન લાગ્યા. એ શબ્દોને ચૂમવા એણે બાઈબલને હોઠે લગાડ્યું. એ જ વખતે એનાં પાનાંઓ વચ્ચે ક્યાંક છુપાયેલ એક નાનકડું કવર નીચે જમીન પર પડ્યું. પેલા યુવાને એ કવર ખોલ્યું. એમાં હોન્ડા સ્પૉર્ટસ-કારની ચાવી અને સંપૂર્ણ ચૂકતે લખેલું પેલા શૉ-રૂમનું બિલ હતું. એના પર તારીખ હતી : એ પ્રથમ નંબરે પાસ થઈને આવ્યો હતો એ જ દિવસની….!

કંઈકેટલીય વાર સુધી એ નીચે બેસી રહ્યો. પછી હૃદય ફાટી જાય એટલું બધું રડ્યો. ધ્રુસકે ધ્રુસકે. એ પછી કલાકો સુધી સૂનમૂન બની એ પોતાના પિતાજીની છબી સામે જોતો રહ્યો.

***

ભેટ આપણે ધારીએ એ રીતે મળે તો જ આપણે એનો સ્વીકાર કરીએ એ તો કેવું ? વડીલો તો ઠીક, ભગવાન તરફથી જુદી જુદી રીતે પૅકિંગ કરાયેલ આવી કેટલી બધી ભેટોનો આપણે અસ્વીકાર કરતાં હોઈશું ? કારણ એક જ કે આપણી ધારણા પ્રમાણે એનું પૅકિંગ થયું નથી હોતું. બસ ! એટલું જ!

Funny Politics Two Cow Jokes

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. The cows go on strike to keep out American hormone-fed milk and launch a stampede through a McDonalds franchise at Euro-Disney. The French Cow Liberation Front hacks into the Cheddar website with images of Roquefort and WAV files declaring “Vive la France!” You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. They are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

EXTROPIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You read their DNA and figure out a way to create lean beef directly in a vat. You upload your cows. You debate endlessly on what to do with the originals cows, which are still alive and well, and are demanding bovine rights.

BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

ISRAELI CORPORATION
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Each one is worried that the other one might get a better milk output, so she keeps kicking the other one’s milk pail. All milk goes to waste. And then the farmer asks them to screw in lightbulbs, ’cause he doesn’t know how.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow that swam ashore. You can’t be certain that it is not infected with plague, so you place it in a razor-wire-fenced detention center. Another cow swims ashore but you are starting to suspect that these are not cows but rabbits, so you send it to a distant Pacific island. The number of cows (or possibly rabbits) arriving at shore drops drastically and your board gets reappointed with a bonus.

SENEGALESE CORPORATION
You have 5 cows, they’re healthy and produce x amounts of milk/month. Soon there are 10 cows, then 20, then 30. When the number reaches 40, suddenly 38 cows literally disappear. Some Senegalese breeders accuse Mauritanians. The Mauritanians say they’re innocent. Some fight starts, and someone dies. The story gets told and retold by the press. People’s fears and angers are being played with. A few hundreds Mauritanians get slaughtered in broad daylight, their shops and businesses are vandalized & burned. State of emergency is declared in Senegal. In the meantime, everybody forgets about the cows.

SWEDISH CORPORATION
You have two cows, so you demand government support for struggling small farmers. While struggling against all the other small farmers for the government support (arguing that not only is your company providing at least two jobs for cows in a rural area, but also that since they are female you are also promoting equality) you don’t have the time to get the massive EU grant for corporations with two cows.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the U.S. government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
1990’s: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. The other sues sheepherders, claiming that the immigrant Belgian Sheep are carrying Mad Cow Disease (even though no sheep have ever caught it) and that they should be detained and destroyed by a Secret Dairy Tribunal set up by the FDA.

2009: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

CANADIAN CORPORATION #1
You have two cows. Your dairy operation is productive, and you sell 80% of the milk to the US market. The American government decides that you are taking advantage of federal subsidies to dump milk on the market below cost, and slaps you with 25% “countervailing” duties, to protect the interests of the above-mentioned American Corporation. Angered and enraged in typical polite Canadian fashion, you cheer on the Canadian hockey team to pound the USA team 5-2 and win Olympic gold. You let out a cheer, wave the Maple Leaf a bit, then apologize for the outburst and get back to milking your cows.

CANADIAN CORPORATION #2
You have two cows, but only need the milk from one. So you sell one cow to an American company, who markets its product as being “pure Canadian milk.” That American corporation prospers thanks to its “pure Canadian” marketing campaign. Meanwhile, you continue to sell the milk from your one cow at the same price in the same way. Canadian media finds out about the original “cow to America” transaction and creates a major story throughout Canada about how the big, greedy, successful American corporations prey on the ma and pa corporations North of the border. Influenced by the media, you file an unsuccessful lawsuit towards the American corporation. Upon the failure of the lawsuit, the Canadian media once again complains about the big, greedy American corporations.Three months later, you decide you don’t like the cow farming business anyhow, so you sell your remaining cow to the same American corporation that bought the first cow, and go into the ping-pong ball manufacturing business.

COWS.COM
You own two cows, so you send a business plan to 20 venture capital firms about how you can make money by giving away milk and selling ad space on the cartons. As the venture capital runs out, you issue an IPO based on your projections that your research team will develop new milking technology any day now. When your milking engineers tell you that they can’t get any more milk from a cow by working 60-hour weeks, you offer them more stock options if they’ll work 80-hour weeks solving the problem. The good engineers, who might actually have solved the problem, all work until their options vest, then retire, leaving you with junior engineers whose options all become wallpaper in another year when the company collapses and liquidates all its cows to a traditional dairy farm started by one of the old engineers.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull... you now have enough cash to buy cow shredders.

B.C. HYDRO
A Corporate Accountant has 2 cows. One he calls Capital, the other OMA (Operations, Maintenance & Admin). He doesn’t feed OMA very much, so she gets sick and almost dies. He decides to throw her a few scraps from Capital’s trough until the new fiscal. She limps along but won’t give any milk, meanwhile Capital is so full she can’t eat anymore. The accountant decides to lay off the worker that feeds OMA as it must be his fault... he saves the wages for himself. OMA dies 2 days later, so he puts Capital into service (OMA’s stall) and expects things to change now that he has a new healthy cow. He fills out the required CRA Process form and orders a new Capital cow, but the new OMA is too weak to mate... the accountant decides to reorganize and buy more bulls... that will surely produce more milk!

Funny Meaning on Common Dictionary Words

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

 
CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence Later

PESSIMIST:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY 

OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!

OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river

MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

PHILOSOPHER:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before

CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, only difference is that he got caught

FATHER:
A banker provided by nature

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes 

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