"Jeeeeesssssus!"

(No offense on religion just a joke )

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle,
"Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
SLIM TALL 36" 24" 36"
When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jeeeeesssssus!"

Doctor and Patient

Doctor and Backache Patients (joke)

Shading"/> One morning a patient arrives complaining of serious Backache. The doctor examines him and asks him, "What did you do to your back?" The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night club? Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back. The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What happened to you? The 2nd patient replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now Doctor? Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. The 3rd patient arrives, he looks even worse than then the other two patients did. The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What happened to you?" The 3rd patient replied, "Well, I was hiding in a fridge..".

Eight Hilarious Jokes

1. The Old Nun: An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "And do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steel workers yelled down "Why?" The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch. 2. Burial in Jerusalem: A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.  The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?" the husband replied, "Long ago, I heard that a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance! 3. 40 years of marriage: A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old Moral: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female. 4. Cannibal Story: Cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu Sun Grilled Tourist: $5.00 Broiled Missionary: $7.00 Fried Explorer with garlic: $9.00 Freshly Baked Politicians: $150.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?' The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!' 5. Talking Parrot: A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi John." ... Then the fight started! 6. The Deaf Bookkeeper: A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks are, that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." 7. Party Crashers: The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea. He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood. Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up. Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave. This is a birthday party!" 8. Conversation with God: Man: God? God: Yes? Man: Can I ask you something? God: Of course! Man: What is for you a million of years? God: A second. Man: And a million dollars? God: A penny. Man: God, Can you give me a penny? God: Wait a second.

Conversation with Women (funny)

Conversation with Women (funny)

1 . (Whatever) Men: What should we have for dinner? Women: Whatever.. Men: Why don't we have Mexican? Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too? Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea Men: Then what do you suggest? Women : Whatever.. 2. (Anything) Men: So what should we do now? Women: Anything Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises? Women: Exercise on such a hot day? Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink Women: I am off caffeine Men: Then what do you suggest? Women: Anything 3. (You decide) Men: Then do we just go home? Women: You decide Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you Women: The bus is dirty and crowded. Men: OK; we will take a cab Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather Women: I am hungry, can't walk. Men: Then what do you suggest? Women: You decide Men: Let's have dinner first? Women: Whatever... Men: What shall we eat? Women: Anything.. 4. (Anytime).. Men: At what time do i have to call you? Women: Any time as u wish Men: But last time when i call u in the morning u didn't pick up? Women: I was sleeping. Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up? Women: I was shopping with my mother Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up? Women: I was tired and relaxing. Men: Then what about 5 pm? Women: I was watching a cartoon. Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night? Women: I was studying Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk. Women: Anytime.

Customer Care in 2020 (funny)

Customer Care in 2020 (funny)

Operator: Hello Pizza Hut! Customer: Hello, can you please take my order? Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir? Customer: Yeah! Hold on..... My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610 Operator : OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now. Customer: (Astronished) How did you get all my phone numbers? Operator : We are connected to the system, Sir. Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza... Operator : That's not a good idea Sir. Customer: How come? Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, sir. Customer: What?... What do you recommend then? Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it. Customer: How do you know for sure? Operator : You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, sir. Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then. Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450. Customer: Can I pay by! credit card? Operator : I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $1,51,758 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir. Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives. Operator : You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've even your overdraft limit. Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway? Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle. Customer: What? Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a motorcycle registration number 1123. Customer: " ????" (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcyle number too!) Operator : Is there anything else, sir? Customer: Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised? Operator : We normally would sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic... In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you. Customer: (now pissed) ***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!))) Operator: Better watch your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman...? Customer: Faints...

``` office T- shirts :: dont miss ```

``` office T- shirts :: dont miss ```

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   Teacher or student who is clever  legal and logical 

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5 Minute management Lessons 1

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking that she has a chance earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, aftera few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel andgoes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:
Do not share any critical information unless you understand the need of opposite person. It may or may not help him but surely won’t help you.                                                                          

Lesson 2: 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, rememberPsalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
                                         

Lesson 3: 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I wantto be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone. 

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager smiles and say, ‘I want those two back in the office after the lunch-time.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

                                    

Three more lesson in the 2nd part 

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